I look back at life and I know that I have wasted time, no matter how much I try to justify things. As a result, there are things which I could have done or should have tried to, but never did and now will not be able to.
Life for me had been a constant attempt to maintain a straight line - the shortest distance from one point to the other. (I have failed miserably at times in that as well)
Sure I can learn to play an instrument or come up with a fancy hobby now but I should have done it when I was younger and I did not. It is not as if I was under too much stress from studying that I could not do any of this even if I wanted to.No.
Even now, things are not getting any better. I should have saved more and spent less, should have gotten married by now (not for not trying this one though, but still), should have travelled more, exercised more, listened more, made more friends and known more people and so on. It is not that I have had a super busy job and I have been denied all this. No.
People say that one should stop to smell the roses. I am the guy who falls asleep next to the roses every day but never smells them.
Never has circumstance given me the excuse for any of my behaviour. It is only the way I am.
The silver lining - I have started to look back and regret and maybe some day I will regret enough that I am moved to take some action.
At business school, I was selected to apply for a scholarship with 20 others. There was a form which had two pages and most of it was about the academic and co-curricular state, national and international level achievements which an applicant would like to share with the interview board. I wanted to ask our mentors what my chances were if I did not have much (anything) to write about. Someone else, who later went on to become an investment banker at GS, asked his question before me. His question was whether he could attach extra sheets if the space was not enough.
I did not bother asking my question. I also did not get the scholarship.
The point is not about missing the scholarship. I think that it is one of the best scholarships in the country and even getting that chance to apply and failing to get the scholarship is the definite highpoint of my academic career. The point was that how was it that someone with a similar background and education had so much more to write about than I did. That day I realised that I had never even thought on these lines ever before. Life for me had been a constant attempt to maintain a straight line - the shortest distance from one point to the other. I have failed miserably at times in that as well.
Lessons for the future -
1. As my project partner from final year (MSA) used to say, "mukman, try to do round-trips in circles, never in straight lines"
2. Hurry up with everything!